How healing and wholeness point toward the life you want

Rainbow, as captured by the author

For many years, the desire to experience an extraordinary life propelled me forward. Growing up in the Midwest, I sometimes felt guilty for wanting not only a good life, but also a phenomenal one. I painted vivid pictures in my mind of what that life could be, though I mostly kept these visions to myself. I’d seen how even well-meaning people could unintentionally crush dreams, so I protected mine.

Fortunately, I often found myself in the right place at the right time, meeting pivotal people who opened doors for me. Determined to create the life I dreamed of, I worked tirelessly, built my skills, and trusted the process.

It worked for me, at least at first. By age 30, I’d achieved many of my early-life aspirations: living in New York City, performing with a renowned orchestra, working at two of America’s most esteemed arts organizations. But beneath the bright veneer of success, I was crumbling. I felt insecure at work, inadequate in other areas of my life, and was afraid others would see through my façade. I felt I could never be enough.

I kept pretending for a while, but then a horrible break-up and a crisis in my work life undermined whatever confidence I had left. I felt lost, devoid of vision, and fearful of dreaming only to face disappointment. I essentially stopped envisioning my future.